STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!

Put down your dinner. Put down the remote. Put down the newspaper.

Get up immediately and go to you nearest bookstore or library. Oh, it's late Sunday, so maybe it's closed. Well, the internet is open (if only sporadically here in Mexico and won't let me upload photos!), so go to Amazon and BUY THIS BOOK IMMEDIATELY!!!!

Trust The Zadge, "Little Bee" will be one of the most memorable books you read this year!!

Hola Amigos!

The Zadge is having some serious technological problems here in May-hee-co!

Three-month old laptop suddenly just dying. Then reviving. Then dying.

Then the wireless doesn't work. Then it does. But only if you hold the recently resuscitated laptop at a 78 degree angle by the balcony. Which makes it work, but impossible to type.

Then the "I" key inexplicably won't type. Or the "M" key.

And then.... The Fear of The Tsunami takes over the resort. The beach is evacuated while everyone talks about the post-Chilean earthquake-created-tsunami taking out Puerto Vallarta.

The Zadge starts to think that perhaps she should have stayed in cold, snowy Colorado.

And, then, apparently, Blogger is so scared of the post-Chilean tsunami, that it WON'T FREAKIN' LET ME UPLOAD ANY PHOTOS!!!!  Just this one, measley, mis-cropped view from my hotel room (you have NO idea how many times I had to pound on the "m" key to type that sentence):

The Zadge is hoping that the karmic forces re-align tomorrow so she can properly tell you -- and show you -- about 1) how, yes in fact, the TSA seized her deadly hermetically sealed sunblock, but let her bring her benign pointy knitting needles on the plane, 2) how she has been asked 23 times where her "husband" is and "oh, WHY are you traveling by yourself?!" and 3) the Cabana boys who tried to get The Zadge to go out last night with them at a club in town called "Senor Frogs!"

Until then, adios amigos!

Adios Amigos!

The Zadge is super excited!  She leaves the cold, gray depressing U.S. tomorrow morning for the sunny, warm beaches of Mexico!!  I'll be spending four nights at an all-inclusive resort in Puerto Vallarta.  Just me and The Zadge, spending some quality one-on-one time getting to know each other better!

I've booked an ocean front room with a balcony.  The resort has three pools, a spa, five restaurants, a gym, daily yoga, and a swim-up bar.  Did I mention a SWIM-UP BAR!!!

My daily agenda will be as follows: wake up, take a yoga class, eat breakfast, lounge by the pool with a good book and the ipod, check out cabana boy who will be bringing me lunch, lounge on the beach with a magazine while checking out cabana boy who will be bringing me drinks, nap, shop, have a spa treatment, dine seaside and check out cabana boys, go to bed, get up in the morning and repeat.

With such an agenda, The Zadge can pack lightly:

 

I'll need this beach coverup for when my pale white freckled skin has seen too much sun, which should be about 10 minutes after I get there.

And this is all I will need for the daytime:

But before I can don those, I desperately need this:

You do know that the fake tan camouflages the Gelatinous Muffin Top, don't you?  'Cause that whole Weight Watchers caper lasted about four days.  Who has time to count points for godsake?

The aforementioned screaming white freckled skin cannot hit the beach without this:

The Zadge is trying not to check any bags, so is sure that the sharp-as-a-tack TSA will confiscate it from her carry-on bag because, while not a gel or a liquid, it is some sort of wet thing and it's over 3 ounces.  If I stick it in my underwear and mutter about eternal salvation with 100 virgins, I'll probably be fine.

And of course, while the spray-on sunblock poses a serious threat of injury on the flight, TSA has no problem letting me bring on sharp, pointed knitting needles:

The Zadge is salivating over the prospect of being able to just read, and read, and read:

The iPod is a necessity - for working out in the gym, chillaxin' by the pool or drowning out the annoying seatmate on the plane:

Now, it is The Zadge's first trip to Mexico and she's heard so many horror stories about people getting sick while they are there from "Montezuma's Revenge."  Oh, don't worry, say The Zadge's friends, just don't eat the salads, or the fruits and vegetables, or drink the water or eat ice cubes.

Say whaaa???  The Zadge EXISTS on a diet of salads, vegetables, fruits and ice cubes (duh, in her vodka tonics!)!!  What's a girl to do?

THIS is what a girl is to do - call her doc and get a prescription to cure the inevitable if The Zadge eats and drinks like she does in the U.S.:

So that is what's in The Zadge's suitcase tonight, along with a couple of summer dresses, yoga clothes and the 14 skin products that I religiously apply to combat my mortal enemy, aging.

Oh, and one more thing.  My laptop!  The Zadge is counting on the resort to have wireless access so she can blog about the cabana boys!

Adios Amigos!

Long Distance Heartache

I miss him...

The Fin....

...with my sweet angel The Shone.


Sigh. Life is grand in Colorado, but I do so, so miss my family!

Opening Night at Old Vicky

The Zadge hosted her First Official Dinner Party at Old Vicky last night!  The Zadge loves, loves to entertain (hence the arm and the leg spent on the kitchen renovation).

You know what else The Zadge loves to do?  Take photographs. In fact, I routinely annoy all my friends (just ask Ms. Swiss Miss!) because I bring my camera everywhere and am constantly shooting away.

Put it together and I should have some fun photos for you right? Except that The Zadge inexplicably forgot to take a single photo during the party!!! Perhaps it was the "Signature Cocktails"....come to think of it, I did take a few before the Signature Cocktails started.

Here's the table just waiting for the guests to arrive:

 

I love round dining tables - they are so great for conversation:


A good dinner party must have fabulous flowers:


You don't even need to go to an expensive florist - I bought all of these at Whole Foods and arranged them myself:

Here's the inaugural menu (click on photo to enlarge):

I've mentioned before how freakin' talented The Sista is - she's a true artist and she wrote out the menu for me during the Fin Fan Club visit last week!

Before the Signature Cocktails started flowing, I did snap a shot of the Raspberry Cheesecake I baked up in the new oven:


No shots of the Signature Cocktail, but I assure you they were quite tasty:  Prosecco, St. Germain liquor and a raspberry, all partying up in a Champagne flute! Plus, the St. Germain bottle is pretty enough to be a home accessory!

Once the Signature Cocktails started flowing, the camera stopped clicking.  So I can't show you photos of my fab friends who helped me open the party circuit at Old Vicky - The Hazz, PugMama, my phenomenal contractor, Chris Regis, and her adorable husband, and my boss at the Top Secret Day Job who recommended Chris to me, and her equally adorable husband. But I think the sign of a good party is the amount of clean-up you have to do afterwards:

 

 

Lots of glasses, dishes and bottles means lots of fun!  And that's what we had last night!

Now that Old Vicky is open for Social Business, stay tuned for more parties -and hopefully, photos of them!

Fighting the Winter Blues with Humor

It's cold.  Gray.  Snowing.  It's the middle of February and The Zadge is miserable.  She hates, hates the winter.  She needs some light.  And her Mexican vacation is still six days away.....

Desperate times call for desperate measures. 

You've probably already seen this several times over from Facebook, but this sucker has had me in tears from laughing so hard.  And you can customize it with whomever you want!  Hoping to lighten some of your winter blues, here's some juvenile humor featuring The Zadge and The Kaiser:

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Harry the Yogi

The Zadge loves her yoga practice.  In addition to giving her cut arms, yoga balances out the naturally high-energy, Type A aspects of The Zadge's personality.

Do you see these little blue pieces next to the dog bed?:

Do you know what they are?  They are bits and pieces of The Zadge's yoga mat.

Do you know why The Zadge's yoga mat is in bits and pieces near a dog bed?

Oh, yes, you do.......

The Yoga Devil strikes again. You may recall that this is not Harry's first Bad Downward Dog.

It seems The Zadge is not the only one who craves yoga to calm down their high-energy level!

Fin Faces, Part II

First, some random Zadge Olympic musings:

• When did the male figure skaters start wearing the women's costumes?
• Why exactly is Curling in the Olympics? Is it not shuffleboard on ice?
• And could the Curlers come over to Old Vicky when they are done with the Olympics and sweep up all the dog hair?
• Poor Vancouver - do you think they will EVER get awarded the Olympics again?  Don't think so.

Ok, on to much more important pressing international matters ...

THE FIN!!!

The Zadge tearfully dropped off The Fin, and his parents (that would be The Sista and hubby The Weatherman) at the airport this morning.  We had so much fun during The Fin Fan Club's visit!!

And how freakin' cute is this kid!  Check out The Fin Faces!:

 

(Yes, we put a sports watch on his head.  In a public restaurant.  The Sista and I are nutty that way.)

Here's his "I love doggies (or "gees" as he calls them)" face:


And here is The Zadge's "OMG, Could I be any happier than this very moment?" face:

The Angel and The Devil

The Zadge took her sweet little angel for his regular acupuncture treatment this morning.  I told Dr. Dodd that I was a little worried because he has been acting very afraid to walk on the new wood floors in the kitchen.   And when we got to his appointment, poor Shone wouldn't walk across the concrete floors - they had to lay down a series of rugs for him to get across the lobby!

So Dr. Dodd gave me a bottle of natural anti-inflammatories to give The Shone:

She said they should help my angel feel better.  They cost $30.  Do you see that this big bottle has 120 tablets:

That's how many pills were in the bottle when The Shone and I got back to the house.  Five minutes after I got in the house, this is how many were left in the bottle:

You probably can't see that there are more than 70 freakin' pills missing!!

Why you ask?

THIS is why:

 

While I ran upstairs to kiss the cute cheeks of The Fin, Harry the Devil -- he with no opposable thumbs -- managed to get into my purse, pull out the bottle of pills, twist off the top -- that was wrapped in plastic -- pull out the cotton and devour 70 freakin' pills in 3 minutes!!!

The Angel alerted me to this with his barking.  As The Devil saw me running down the stairs, he tried to speed up his eating, but The Zadge stopped him before he cleaned out the whole bottle.

And then The Zadge poured Hydrogen Peroxide down his Devil throat to try and make him puke up said 70 freakin' pills.  But the Devil apparently has a stomach made of steel and not only did not puke, but was totally fine the rest of the day.

Sigh.  The Devil is going to be the death of me.

Puff Daddy v. Puff Baby

Remember The Kaiser's recent visit when he morphed from D.C. metrosexual into Colorado "Mr. Patagonia" aka "Puff Patagonia Daddy"?

Well, look out Puff Daddy Patagonia - you've got some serious competition.  See, The Fin hit the Denver Patagonia Store for their big sale today and he got decked out in some serious puffy snow clothes.  Meet "Puff Baby Patagonia" aka "Puffy Fin":

Although he's only 17 months old, Puffy Fin is ready to hit the slopes. Even if the too-big puffy blue jumper caused him to trip over his own feet. But he just loved, loved his neon green gloves and didn't take them off for four hours!

Then he gave a thumbs up to his Apres-Ski-Chillaxin' outfit:

And finally, giving in to the demands of all his fans, he demonstrated how he gets down the mountain like Bode Miller!

It's a Gold Medal for Puffy Fin!!

For all the Single Ladies

A little Valentine's dance for all us Single Ladies from my favorite big guy, The Fin:

The Zadge in a Nutshell

Some things you may not know about The Zadge:

• She has never seen "Spinal Tap."  When she tells people this, they look at her like she has horns growing out of her head. 

• The Zadge once ordered a garden shed from Home Depot.  They delivered it to her house, but would only leave it on the curb.  She tried to move said 900 pound shed herself and it fell on top of her, pinning her underneath.  There was an emergency room visit involved, but she survived.

• Several years ago, she was walking across her front lawn when she stepped on a negligently installed manhole cover and fell into the sewer abyss.  That too involved an emergency room visit and stitches.  But also a monetary payout from the negligent water company who installed the manhole cover.  Ka-ching!

• When she was four, The Zadge's father told her to bring her tricycle into the garage.  The Zadge refused.  Her father told her she would have to sit outside on the curb until she brought her trike into the garage.  Two hours later, her father picked her up off the curb and brought her and her trike inside.  Did you know that The Zadge does not like being told what to do?

• One week after she moved to Colorado, and two days before she was supposed to start her Top Secret Day Job, she had an emergency appendectomy and was hospitalized for two days.  She was a week late in starting her new job.  The Zadge seems to like emergency rooms.

• She was three blocks away from the Oklahoma City Murrah Federal Building when Timothy McVeigh bombed it and across the river from the Pentagon on September 11.  Both events have profoundly affected her life choices.

• The Zadge and Moomskers took a trip to Italy in 1996.  One night, Moomksers was distraught because it was 1 a.m. and her harlot daughter had not returned to their hotel room.  Said harlot was riding around Florence on the back of their waiter's motorcycle.  His name was ...seriously..... Antonio Amore.  That's "Tony Love" to us English speakers.

• In her mid-20s, The Zadge went to Jamaica with a girl friend.  They hung out on a nude beach all week.  The Zadge's pale Irish skin got burned in places that had never seen the sun before.  At the end of the week, she let a Jamaican Rastafarian surf instructor with blond dred locks give her an "aloe rub" to help the sunburn.

• The Zadge and The Sista are only 12 months and 3 weeks apart.  Irish twins, they call us.  We were inseparable through childhood. Seriously, inseparable.  Almost every picture of us from our early years shows us holding hands.  And we'd sit on the floor while the other one used the bathroom.  We're still close, but we don't do that anymore.

• The Zadge has zero tolerance for people who: a)  don't activate their turn signal at least 5 seconds before they make their turn; b) are rude to wait staff; c) say "whatever"; d) don't like animals; and e) don't have a sense of humor.

So there you have The Zadge in a nutshell.  Anything that I need to know about YOU?

The Zadge v. The GMT: Battle Update

As Meg at the Members Lounge astutely recognized, The Zadge is facing a tough road:  obeying the Weight Watchers Points while cooking up a storm in her new kitchen.

What with all the shiny new appliances and clutter free countertops and alphabetized spices (yes, really), the Zadge just wants to be baking up a big ole batch of Craisin Cookies (they have oatmeal - does that count as a "diet food?") or cooking up a pot of creamy pasta.  But then The Zadge remembers that she has to show her winter white body on the beach in Mexico in two short weeks.

And here she is at her resort in Mexico after successfully winning her war against the Gelatinous Muffin Top:

Oh no, wait, that's Jen Aniston in Mexico celebrating her 41st this week!  Oops, see, she and I have sooo much in common - other than that enormous skank John Mayer -- that for a sudden I thought that was me.

And then I looked down at my waist.

Hence, I made the following for dinner rather than the creamy pasta followed by the delish cookies:

Scallops in a Citrus Sauce with Quinoa.  Actually quite tasty.  And only 7 points and 335 calories!! Woo-hoo!!!

So here's the recipe.  And I guarantee that if you eat this, you too will look like our girl Jen Aniston in a bikini!!!

SCALLOPS AND QUINOA WITH CITRUS SAUCE

Ingredients:

• 3/4 cup quinoa, rinsed well
• Kosher salt
• 3 oranges
• 4 tangerines
• 2 tablespoons sugar
• 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
• 1 teaspoon coriander seeds, crushed (The Zadge used Coriander powder...really, who has seeds?!!)
• 2 tablespoons cold unsalted butter, cut into pieces
• 1 1/4 pounds sea scallops, tough foot muscles removed (clearly the scallops don't value the pedicure)
• Freshly ground pepper
• 1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil
• 1 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley or chives (The Zadge used parsley, but would recommend chives instead)

Directions

Combine the quinoa, 2 cups water and 1/2 teaspoon salt in a saucepan and bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce the heat to low and simmer, uncovered, until the water is absorbed, 12 to 14 minutes.

Meanwhile, grate 1 teaspoon orange zest, then juice all 3 oranges and the tangerines into a bowl. Sprinkle the sugar in a skillet and cook over medium-high heat until dark amber, about 5 minutes. Remove from the heat and whisk in the vinegar, citrus juices and zest, and the coriander. Return to medium heat and boil until thick, about 8 minutes. Remove from the heat and whisk in the butter; keep warm.

Season the scallops on one side with salt and pepper. Heat the oil in a large cast-iron skillet over medium heat. Add the scallops seasoned-side down and sear until golden, 4 to 5 minutes. Flip and cook until golden on the other side, 2 to 3 more minutes.

Fluff the quinoa with a fork and divide among plates. Top with the scallops, drizzle with the citrus sauce and sprinkle with the parsley.

Per serving: Calories 335; Fat 10 g (Saturated 4 g); Cholesterol 62 mg; Sodium 475 mg; Carbohydrate 34 g; Fiber 2 g; Protein 28 g  (Courtesy of Food Network Magazine)

A friendly little message for Mother Nature

Remember this cute little guy?

Well, I was supposed to be picking him and The Sista and her husband up at the Denver airport tomorrow morning as they arrive for a 5 day visit.

And then came Snowmaggedon.

With the snow totals at The Fin's house reaching 46 inches, the airline canceled his flight.  The Sista rescheduled it for Thursday.  Now the airline has canceled that one too!  And she can't get a flight out until freakin' Sunday!

The Zadge has a little message for Mother Nature - and she is saying it in her most serious Top Secret Day Job voice:

BACK THE F*#K OFF AND QUIT MESSING WITH MY FIN FAN CLUB VISIT OR THE ZADGE IS COMING TO KICK YOUR SNOW-LOVING ASS.

The Zadge vs. The GMT

The Zadge joined Weight Watchers today.

Well, a shorter, heavier version of The Zadge joined.  Because Weight Watchers wouldn't accept The Zadge into their club with her real height and weight, which admittedly is on the average-to-slim side.  So The Zadge took off an inch in height and added about 15 pounds to her Weight Watchers self.  And now I'm part of the club!

So why in Baby Jesus of Bethlehem's name would an objectively not-heavy woman join Weight Watchers?   Two words: Mexico and Points.

See, The Zadge just booked an impromptu four night getaway to an ocean front resort in Mexico.  She leaves in 18 days.  That's 18 days before her white, jiggly Gelatinous Muffin Top has to be seen in a bikini.

She needs to do something drastic to get rid of the GMT in such a short period of time.  Self-tanner will help, but I need something stronger.    The GMT is a formidable opponent.

I need the Points.

Points is the patented Weight Watchers system:  they assign everything you ingest a point value and give you a maximum number of points you can eat on a daily basis to reach your weight loss goal.  You log in everything you eat on your computer and they assign it values.  You don't even have to go to any meetings!  Every single person I know who has joined the WW club has lost weight and raves about it.

So The Zadge needs the Points so she can be uber-focused on what she eats and, ahem, drinks on a daily basis  in order to defeat the GMT before she lands in Mexico.  Otherwise, she'd be sitting at this laptop sipping a vodka tonic (3 points)  or a glass of wine (2 points).  Ok, really, the way The Zadge pours, it would be more like 6 points!  But tonight, The Zadge maxed out her points after finishing dinner, so no cocktail for her tonight.

She must take this battle against the GMT seriously.  Because remember, now that the kitchen is done,  The Zadge must focus on "2010 - the Year of the Boyfriend."  And she can do that a lot better while strutting a GMT-free body on a beach in Mexico

Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez

Unless you've been in solitary confinement or you are The Kaiser, you know that tonight was the Super Bowl.  The Zadge loves her some football.  And she always watches the Super Bowl.

Now, The Zadge didn't have a dog in today's fight.

She admires Peyton.  Agrees that he's probably the best QB playing now (sorry Bee from Ain't Miss Beehaven!) She thinks he's funny in his commercials.  The Zadge even thinks he's pretty cute, even though The Sista insists that he looks like a thumb. 

But she also admires Drew Brees and the Saints.  I always love to root for the underdog.  And god knows New Orleans is long overdue for some serious good karma.  Especially since they have Kim Kardashian sniffing around after Reggie Bush.  So The Zadge decided to throw her hat in for The Saints.

Although,  Baby Jesus of Bethlehem, if I hear one more "Who Dat?" or see one more freakin' Fleur de Lis, I'll think I'll scream.

To show my moral support for the Saints, I decided to cook up a bunch of Jambalaya.

In my pretty new Le Creuset French Oven:

Because there's now a new TV in the new kitchen, I got to cook up the Jambalaya while I watched the game:

I always love to see the National Anthem sung.  I cry every time - such a sap. Carrie Underwood did a great job singing, but HELLOOOO - the outfit?

 

It was some horrible melange of aging Elvis Presley, early Michael Jackson and cheesy Jessica Simpson.

And the halftime show was a snoozer.  The Who Dat played.  Pete Townsend's shirt was unbuttoned at the bottom and he kept flashing his Gelatinous Muffin Top.  This sort of grossed me out, even though I should be immune to the sight, since I see my own every day.

I thought the commercials were a total snoozer too.  How many stupid fratboy Bud Light and car commercials can one stand?  Ok, the Budweiser horse/cow one was cute.  And you know The Zadge has a soft spot for the E-trade baby commercials.  But, for a change, it seems like the GAME is the interesting part of the night.  

With 50 seconds left, it appears that the Saints are kicking some Colts boo-tay and will be the Super Bowl Champions!  I think my Jambalaya may have been the boost they needed!

Old Vicky's Facelift is Finished!!!!

The kitchen renovation officially ended today at noon, when Leon, the cute little carpenter, finished hanging the mirror and TV in the new kitchen.

All the men are gone out of The Zadge's house - the plumbers, the electricians, the carpenters, the painters.  The port-o-john is gone.  The sign warning the workers "DON'T LET DOGS OUT - THEY'LL RUN!" is gone (The Shone always had a problem with that sign because he would never, ever leave his mom).   The Zadge no longer has to walk around with bed head in her bathrobe at 7 a.m. in front of construction workers.

The Zadge is very, very happy.  She loves, loves her new kitchen.  She can't wait to throw her first shin-dig in the kitchen!

So without further ado, here are the "after" photos.

Well, wait....some ado.....I think to fully appreciate the "after," you must once again see the "before."

Here's the BEFORE view from the dining room into the old kitchen (door on the left) and the old den (door on the right), featuring The Sista's favorite heinous chandelier:

And here's the tiny old kitchen, looking from the back door:

This is the BEFORE view looking toward the back door:

Finally, this is the BEFORE view from the door of the kitchen into the dining room out to the living room:

Now do you remember now how bad it was?  Small, and dark, and cheap?

Ok, so here it is today.

THE AFTER PHOTOS:


Here's the AFTER view from the dining room into the kitchen:

Here's the new kitchen!!!!
 

A view from the other end of the kitchen:


Where all the cookin' happens:


The kitchen Chillaxin' zone:


Here's the AFTER dining room:


From the dining room looking into the living room and hallway - HEY SISTA - NOTICE THE NEW FREAKIN' CHANDELIER!



We also did work on the living room.  Here's the original BEFORE living room:


BEFORE view of living room from the fireplace:



Now step into the AFTER living room:


Here's the new couch:



The new tile surround on the fireplace, the soapstone hearth and painted mantel:



The tile is a soft, beautiful mix of pale blue glass, frosted glass and marble rectangular tiles:


Here's the view from the couch:


And the view into the foyer, where Harry pretends that he is always a calm, chill pooch:

The Zadge is in love with her new Old Vicky. 

She has even invited Bossy to stay at Old Vicky during Bossy's "No Book" Book Tour!!! I hope she will!!