Gulp.

When The Zadge returned home from the Top Secret Day Job today, she found a note from her dog walker that he had found "a little mess" by the front door that "they" had made.

Well, if you've been reading this blog for even a hot minute, you know what kind of "mess" I was expecting.  And none of this "they" stuff - we all know who the likely suspect is.

But instead of the usual excrement mess, I found this:

This used to be a cute little bird's nest that I bought at a fantastic little store in Denver called Wild Flowers. I had it displayed on a coffee table, along with some sand dollars I found on the beach in California and smooth rocks I collected on the coast of Maine.

Notice that the filling is removed and the bottom of the nest is chewed out.  Notice as well, that the three pretty little blue eggs - made from CERAMIC -- that were the focal point of the display ARE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

Let's take one good guess where they are?
.

Isn't there a band called The Butthole Surfers?

Note to self:  next time you are doing promo for a film with Gerard Butler, hold his hand in the photos.

Oh right.  I keep forgetting I'm not Jen Aniston.

Gal Pals, Shopping and Shoes

The Zadge had a great weekend running around Denver with her Girl Posse.

Saturday afternoon was spent shopping and lunching with The Zadge's latest and greatest gal pal, Babe the Builder, the woman responsible for The Zadge's great kitchen remodel.  Saturday night was spent having a fabulous dinner at Duo with The Chilean and her boyfriend, Wayne Gretsky.  Sunday was brunch with The Pug Mama, followed by a hot date with Mr. Tennis Ball Machine.  (Ok, so he's not one of the gal pals.  He's not even a "he.")

Now, there was a time in my late '20s and early '30s when I just luuuved clothes shopping.  That time is long gone.  The Zadge avoids malls and discount big box stores at all costs.  But Babe the Builder suggested we check out the new Denver Nordstrom Rack that opened two days earlier and The Zadge, being in desperate need of some new cute tops, agreed.

Apparently, Denver has been dying for a Rack to open, because the store was mobbed.  The line to checkout wrapped halfway around the entire store:

That did not stop the Gal Pals from picking up a few items.  Why is Babe the Builder laughing?

Because her purchases totaled $140, while The Zadge's rang in at, gulp, $966.  See, the line for the dressing rooms was even longer than the line to check out, so I just decided to buy everything in my cart, try it on at home, and then return what I didn't like.

We had lunch afterwards at a great little cafe called Vert:


When I got home, I tried everything on and ended up deciding to return almost every single thing the next day (except for some new cute tennis outfits - I do have my second lesson with the Cutie Pro coming up this week, don't you know!).

Remember when I mentioned my previous shopping addiction hobby?  That included an Imelda Marcos-like obsession with shoes. Very, very expensive shoes.  Shoes that cost more than some used cars.  It was the heyday of "Sex and The City" afterall.

But luckily for my bank account, I outgrew that foolishness and no longer hunt down the latest Choo, Blahnik and Louboutin pump.  (It helps that Denver is a much more casual place than D.C.!)

But when  I returned to Nordstrom Rack yesterday to return my stuff, I couldn't help myself.

I had to buy a pair of shoes.

And then I had to buy a second.  I just couldn't help myself.

They were so cute and the perfect size 6.

What is a 5' 10" woman doing wearing a size 6, you ask?  She's not!!

They are for The 18-month old Fin!!!!




Aren't they the cutest little things you've ever seen?!  And don't they  just blow away Manolo, Jimmy and Christian?

Saturday Sayins

Romance or Cheese?

You may recall when The Zadge was in Mexico puking last night's tequila out of a cab she had a little VayCay Romance with the Canadian Cutie Patootie.

During their little whirlwind VayCay Romance, The Zadge and CCP talked about him visiting her in Denver.  They both agreed that this was a great idea.  During these discussions, both of them were either drunk or hungover, depending on which day it was.

So upon her return to and detox in Colorado, The Zadge started to think that perhaps she should just let beautiful VayCay memories be and not mess it up with some potentially disappointing/awkward visit in real life.

Then CCP sent her a very sweet and romantic e-mail upon his return to Canada telling her what a nice time he had with her and how he was thinking of her.  The Zadge got all tingly and school-girly excited and responded in kind.  About a week later, The Zadge sent CCP a friend request on Facebook.  He accepted.

Then almost two weeks passed without a peep from CCP.  The Zadge, back in the daily grind of work and her new boyfriend, Mr. Tennis Ball Machine, started to drop the whole idea from her brain.  Until a wild hair struck her last night (I was under the influence of a raging head cold and fever), and sent him an e-mail suggesting a visit.

Well, CCP replied this morning - IN ALL CAPS - that he was coming to Denver and suggested June!  And then he attached a video song clip that The Zadge thinks is the sweetest, most romantic thing to ever cross her inbox.  The Hazz thought it was sort of cheesy, but The Zadge is sort of smitten:

The House of Ills

If there was one place you did NOT want to be today, it was Old Vicky.  It was the House of Ills.

It started last night when The Zadge got home from the Top Secret Day Job and dove into bed at 5 p.m., feeling weary and achy.  She chalked it up to the weather - a storm was hitting Denver and they were calling for 18 freakin' inches!

Flash forward to 3:30 a.m.  I'm awakened by the insistent barking of The Shone.  Now, The Shone does not bark in the middle of the night unless a) someone is breaking in, or b) he's got to go to the bathroom NOW.  I decided that option "b" was the more logical choice.

So, in case you were wondering, this is what my backyard looks like at 3:30 a.m. in the middle of a Colorado Spring Storm, while The Shone runs around having diarrhea all over the snow:

I spared you a photo of The Zadge shivering in her underwear and bedhead.

Now let's go to 5:30 a.m.  The Shone barking happens again.  The Zadge once more runs downstairs in her underwear hoping to let The Shone out before you-know-what-happens in the house.

These back-to-back outdoor-underwear-sprints do not help The Zadge's achy, weary body.

Now let's go to 7:00 a.m.  The Zadge wakes up for the third time, this time to get ready for work.  By 7:05 a.m.. I've decided that I cannot get up and get my GMT to work.  So I call in sick, feed the dogs and go back to sleep.

Now let's flash forward to 7 p.m. tonight.  Don't the boys looks all nice and restfull?:



More importantly, doesn't the rug look CLEAN?

Well, guess what? That is NOT what that rug looked like at 9 a.m.  Because between 7:30 a.m. and 9 a.m, The Zadge was repeatedly roused from her sickbed by The Shone's barking, only to discover each time that BOTH of the freakin' dogs were taking turns puking all over the house!! On the black and white rug, on the dog beds, on the (free) $6,000 dining room rug.

Now I'm a seasoned veteran at cleaning up dog vomit, but today just tested my limits.  But at the end of the day of ills, there was a bright spot - Dash and Albert rugs!!

I have these rugs all over my house and they are fabulous - cute, brightly colored, durable and affordable.  The black and white one above is an "indoor/outdoor" one - perfect for kids, dogs, VOMIT.  Just trust me, that sucker was disgusting about 9 a.m this morning.  I just tossed it in the washing machine - you don't even need to dry it! - and look how it turned out!

So if you, like me, have critters or kids that destroy your rugs, try a Dash and Albert rug! (and no, Dash and Albert isn't paying me for this.  But don't you think they should!)  And The Shone and Harry are seemingly now totally fine!  The Zadge, on the other hand, is ready for a real spring full of health and no dog excrement!

Does The Zadge Get Lucky?!

A cute guy gave The Zadge his phone number last night!

But before we get to that, take a look at this:

The Zadge's new tennis racquet.  She needed to buy it in order to keep up with her unrelenting new boyfriend, who just won't stop giving it to her.

Oh Moomskers, relax, I'm just talking about Mr. Ball Machine.

I've been spending almost every other night with Mr. Ball Machine, working on my new forehand.  I think we are starting to get serious.  Notice that most of the balls are on the other side of the net, where they are supposed to be (click to enlarge)?!:



And last night, just when Mr. Ball Machine and I were really getting into it, who happened to stroll by but The Zadge's Cutie Pro!  Cutie Pro wandered onto The Zadge's court and told her he was "amazed" at how much she had improved.  (Do remember that I pay this man!)  He then took about 10 minutes to tweak my stroke and compliment me on my work ethic and natural athleticism.  I, of course, was waiting for him to compliment me on my outfit.

We then discussed Lesson #2 for The Zadge.  And that is when a cute guy gave The Zadge his phone number.  To set up another lesson.  Nothing more.

So really, this whole blog post has just been one big tease.

How Entertainment Tonight spoiled my dinner

Every evening, The Zadge gets her dinner ready while she watches "Entertainment Tonight."  She watches "ET" because she likes seeing the beautiful stars and hearing all the Hollywood gossip.  Proudly shallow am I.

So I tuned in tonight hoping to hear the latest about Jesse's Tatt Skank or Tiger's Porn Skank or why Angelina is trying to turn Shiloh butch or to see clips of pretty women and hot men in really cool clothes.

Instead, "ET" airs a story about an incredibly obese, 600 pound woman who -- get this -- wants to gain 400 more pounds and thinks her belly is really sexy:

 

Can you say "GGMT" - GINORMOUS GELATINOUS MUFFIN TOP?

I won't bore you with the Zadge Rant about how irresponsible (she has a young daughter) and unhealthy and selfish and greedy this disgusting woman is. (For the love of god, do you know how many hungry children could be fed on the TWELVE THOUSAND CALORIES she eats a day.)

I'll just say this:  GGMT woman has a loving (uh, and not obese) boyfriend and The Zadge does not.

Somethin' just ain't right in the world, yaw'll. (I promise I'll exorcise Paula Deen soon).

Saturday Sayins

So I'm starting a regular "feature," as it were, here on my little blog. I'm calling it "Saturday Sayins."

Now, The Zadge grew up in Maryland, which really is not the south, so she has no business talkin' like she is Paula Deen yaw'll, but she just kinda liked the sound of Saturday Sayins yaw'll.  (Although she did have a lengthy internal debate about whether "Sayins" should have an apostrophe or not.)

I bought this here chalkboard, yaw'll, so I could display the menus for my various dinner parties, just covered in butter, yaw'll.  (Baby Hay-Soos of Bethlehem Paula, get the f**k out of my head, would you?).  But I also wanted to display words that inspire me or make me laugh or remind me what to buy at the grocery store.

So lucky you! You will now get to see what's in The Zadge's head every Saturday:

Hopefully, it will never again be Paula yaw'll!!!

Spring in Colorado

What I saw when I came home from work last night:

What I saw when I came home from work today:


Welcome to Spring in Colorado!

Why you shouldn't study French in school

Every other Thursday is Onelia Day.  Onelia is my cleaning lady.  She and her husband Marco clean Old Vicky from top to bottom and make her shine.  For one day at least, The Zadge can enjoy a night without any pet hair.

But there's just one problem with Onelia and Marco: they move all of The Zadge's things around and leave them in strange places.  So every other Thursday night, I come home from the Top Secret Day Job and have a moment of minor elation at the sight and smell of a sparkling clean house. 

And then I spend the next 30 minutes moving everything back into place. 

Do you see this rug on the chair in The Zadge's office:

Do you think that is where The Zadge likes it to be?

Do you see all of The Zadge's shoes neatly lined up on the floor of her closet:


No, no you do not.  Because every other Thursday, Onelia and Marco pile all of my shoes on top of each other in the corner of the closet and don't bother to put them back:

This one, in particular, really annoys The Zadge.

Now, doesn't The Zadge's jewelry tray look all neat and tidy:


No, no it does not. Because Onelia and Marco piled up all the chargers from the floor, as well as the bedside clock and some random dish towel on top of all my jewelry.

And do you think The Zadge likes to display gross, chewed dog bones on her French Country table:


No, no she doesn't.  But apparently Onelia and Marco do.

And don't even get me started on the time it took me 24 hours and a phone call to Onelia to find the remote for the TV.  Some of you may be wondering why I don't just ask Onelia to put everything back.  Well, Onelia speaks virtually zero English.  And The Zadge speaks virtually zero Spanish other than "Hola!" and "Tequila!"  You should have seen the result when I tried to tell Onelia what to do with the feather bed in the guestroom!

Boy, those seven years of French are really coming in handy.

My New Man

Meet The Zadge's new Boyfriend....and, boy, does he have balls!!!

It's Mr. Tennis Ball Machine! 

The Zadge has been spending every night since Saturday with Mr. Tennis Ball Machine and couldn't be happier.  See, I've started playing tennis again.  I played a ton when I was a teenager - it was the late '70s after all, and tennis was THE GAME.  Bjorn Borg, Jimmy Connors, John McEnroe.

Now, The Zadge was quite the little athlete as a kid.  Well, I guess you can't really call a 5 foot 9 inch sixth grader "little."  But the freaky tall thing worked in young Zadge's favor in all her sporting activities, which notably, did not include gymnastics.  Young Zadge was self-taught and  never had a formal lesson.  But Young Zadge was quite a formidable, if very erratic, opponent on the courts.

Flash forward to Middle-Aged Zadge.  Although she works out regularly and practices yoga, there are no longer any competitive sports in her arsenal.  Her knees are shot from 30 years of running and she doesn't do triathlons anymore:

She missed the thrill and camaraderie of playing organized sports.  And then her fab contractor suggested tennis.  Middle-Aged Zadge hadn't thought about tennis in decades.  Her racquet was long gone.  But the suggestion stuck in my brain.

So Saturday afternoon - a gorgeous, warm Colorado day - I went and had my first ever tennis lesson.  And how cute was my teacher:

Cutie Pro was very encouraging, telling Middle-Aged Zadge that she had real "natural talent" and promised that I would be very good, very soon.

And then he proceeded to completely re-vamp my forehand.

Cutie Pro recommended that I practice with the ball machine a few times before our next lesson in two weeks.  But you see, when The Zadge gets into something, SHE GETS INTO SOMETHING.  Some would call it Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.  I prefer the term "determined."

So I've been spending every night with Mr. Tennis Ball Machine.  Do you notice that all the balls are on MY side of the net?

That's not really the sign of a "really good" tennis player.  But I hope that my, uh, determination, combined with my new man will change all that.

But the best part of The Zadge's latest obsession hobby is that it gave her an excuse to go out and buy a bunch of CUTE NEW TENNIS SKIRTS!!!



Some would caution that perhaps I should wait before investing in clothes and gear to see if the latest obsession hobby sticks.

But that's not how The Zadge rolls.... GO BIG OR GO HOME!!!!!

Skank Rant

The Zadge hates to dirty up her blog with filth, but feels compelled to discuss the disgusting Skanks that are Rielle Hunter, John Edwards, and Andrew Young.

You may have heard that GQ Magazine just released a tell-all interview with Skank Rielle. If you don't mind vomiting in disgust after every other answer, you can read the whole thing here.

But let's just look at some of the highlowlights, shall we?

Like how Skank Rielle incessantly refers to Edwards as "Johnny."  As in, "I love Johnny until death do us part" and "Before I met Johnny, I had a lot of judgment about infidelity. Now I have a much deeper and greater understanding and acceptance of people's processes." 

Then how she insists that while she may be "kooky", she ain't no hussy.  Oh really? And did you say that before or after this saintly shot of you was taken:

You know, now that I see her sitting with Kermit, she does really resemble Miss Piggy!

How about when she gives up explicit details about how Johnny bedded her down two hours after meeting her in a hotel bar in NYC:  "You know, it was just this, this magnetic force field like I had never experienced..He was pretty relentless. And that's all I'm going to say on that!"

Or when she opines about how Johnny is so "very honest and truthful. And all of that was hidden."  For the love of god woman, did you really just say that with a straight face?!

And if giving a men's magazine the explicit details of bedding down a presidential candidate whose wife is battling cancer, while posing without any pants on in a man's shirt isn't CLASSY enough, Skank Rielle goes on to bash Elizabeth Edwards, saying she "emasculated" her dear Johnny.

I was going to continue on about all the other skanks in this story, including Johnny himself and his sad little sidekick, Andrew Young, but I've made myself sick.   I guess we should all actually thank Skank Rielle for sparing the country from having "Honest Johnny" as our leader!

My New Favorite Song

From The Script, a band from Dublin:

The Ideal Book Club

The Zadge hosted her Book Club last night at Old Vicky:

As I mentioned in my previous post, I served homemade pizza - one Margherita, one pepperoni with cheese and one veggie with cheese.  Plus a big ol' salad and mini cupcakes for dessert.  And, of course, some good wine!  One of our members, The Australian, brought some great wine from her home country:


Our Book Club is a great group of women: lawyers, doctors, stay-at-home moms, business executives and zadges.  All of the women are very well-read, thoughtful and interesting. 

But here's the best thing about our Book Club: we don't read a book!!!!

No!!

We just pretend to, as an excuse to get together and eat, drink and be merry once a month!!  We used to read books  -- and we'd actually spend about 10 minutes discussing them before we dissolved into a smorgasbord chat about work, husbands, dating, children.

But we are all mature adults and have now dropped the fiction (pardon the bookclub pun) that we actually are together to widen our literary knowledge. Now, we just spend the evening drinking, laughing and getting down to the nitty gritty of one member's recent hook-up on a Mexican beach with a younger man.

It's the ideal Book Club! No pressure to read some boring-ass, 19th century, English novel set in the Moors every four weeks.  No infighting over book choice or opinions.  You can tell everyone you are in a Book Club, thereby allowing them to believe you are a bit of an intellectual, but you can spend the evening with your smart girlfriends talking about SEX!!!!  (Sorry Moomksers!)

So it was a late night and some of the attendees were very wiped out while The Zadge did the dishes at midnight:


But it WAS a great night with The Ideal Book Club!

The Power of Olive Oil

Do you know what this is?

This is pizza dough rising on the stove.  The Zadge's Book Club is meeting at Old Vicky tomorrow night and The Zadge is going to serve up some homemade pizza with a big salad.

Since I have to slave away at the Top Secret Day Job tomorrow and won't have time to throw together a complicated dinner for six, pizza it will be.  And pizza dough is super easy to make.

I find the secret to a light, crispy crust is to add some olive oil to the dough:


Just please - please - don't call it "EVOO" like Rachel Ray, who just annoys the bejesus out of The Zadge.  We all love olive oil, right?  We know it's the "heart healthy" cooking oil.  We know the Italians love it and anything they love has to be da bomb.

But do you know that today, The Zadge's doctor prescribed olive oil to cure The Zadge's ills?

See, ever since I have moved from the swamp climate of D.C. to the high desert of Colorado, I've suffered an endless string of colds/sinus infections/congestion shee-at.  So my doc sent me to an allergist today, who after examining me, proclaimed, "My god, your sinuses are completely dried out!"  Which, he said, explains the constant runny nose - apparently, your nose will produce mucus to try and moisturize the dried out sinuses!

I have to go back next week for further allergy testing, but for now, I am under medical orders  -- get this -- TO PUT OLIVE OIL UP MY FREAKIN' NOSE TWICE A DAY!!

Who knew that not only is olive oil good for your heart but it is also good for your nose?!  And  if you see The Zadge with her finger up her nose, know that it is medical necessity.

Birthday Dinner Soiree

This weekend, the Zadge hosted a small dinner party to celebrate her friend Tara's, a.k.a. "Trixie", birthday:

Here's the birthday girl:

Another beauty, the Chilean, joined us too:

The main entree was Risotto with Leeks, Shiitake mushrooms and white truffle oil:

...accompanied by an Argula salad with carmelized onions, candied pecans, goat cheese and croutons:

For dessert, Double Chocolate Pudding with whipped cream and chocolate shavings:

Oh, yeah, that's going straight to The Zadge's GMT!  The Chilean really dug the whipped cream:

Notice anyone hunting for leftovers?:

Harry, conducting a "pre-rinse" on the dishes:

Unfortunately, Harry's foraging for leftovers caused him to expel horrific gaseous fumes throughout the rest of the evening.  My poor guests!

And how about The Chilean's boyfriend?  He volunteered to act as chauffeur for Trixie and The Chilean so that we could all drink The Zadge's Signature Cocktails and not worry about driving!!!  What a good guy!

Even with the 2 a.m. bedtime, The Zadge had a great evening!

Risotto with Leeks, Shiitake Mushrooms and White Truffle Oil

Leeks:

• 2 large leeks (white and pale green parts only), halved, thinly sliced crosswise (about 2 cups)
• 3/4 cup whipping cream

Mushrooms:

• 1 pound shiitake mushrooms, stemmed, cut into 1/4- to 1/3-inch-thick slices
• 1 large onion, halved, thinly sliced lengthwise
• 1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter, melted
• 1 tablespoon white truffle oil
• 1 teaspoon minced fresh thyme leaves

Risotto:

• 4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) butter, divided
• 1 large onion, chopped
• 1 1/2 cups arborio rice or medium-grain white rice
• 1/2 cup dry white wine
• 5 cups (or more) hot vegetable broth
• 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
• 2 teaspoons shaved or chopped black truffle (optional)
• Chopped fresh parsley

Preparation

For leeks:
Bring leeks and cream to boil in heavy medium saucepan. Reduce heat to medium and simmer until leeks are tender and cream is thick, stirring often, about 15 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. DO AHEAD: Can be made 1 day ahead. Cover and chill. Rewarm before continuing.
For mushrooms:
Preheat oven to 400°F. Toss all ingredients on rimmed baking sheet. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Roast until mushrooms are tender and light brown around edges, stirring occasionally, about 45 minutes. DO AHEAD: Can be made 2 hours ahead. Let stand at room temperature.
For risotto:
Melt 2 tablespoons butter in heavy large saucepan over medium heat. Add onion and cook until beginning to soften, about 5 minutes. Add rice; stir 1 minute. Add wine and stir until almost all liquid is absorbed, about 1 minute. Add 1 cup hot broth. Simmer until broth is almost absorbed, stirring often, about 4 minutes. Add more broth, 1 cup at a time, allowing each addition to be absorbed before adding next and stirring often, until rice is tender and mixture is creamy, about 20 minutes longer. Stir in leek mixture, mushroom mixture, remaining 2 tablespoons butter, cheese, and truffle. Transfer to large bowl, sprinkle with parsley, and serve.

Arugula Salad with Carmelized Onions, Candied Pecan & Goat Cheese 

INGREDIENTS:

Caramelized onions:

• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 1/4 pounds red onions, thinly sliced
• 2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

Candied pecans:

• 1/3 cup (packed) golden brown sugar
• 1/4 cup water
• 2 tablespoons (1/4 stick) butter
• Large pinch of salt
• 1 1/2 cups pecan halves

Croutons:

• 4 cups 1/2-inch cubes crustless country bread
• 3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

Salad:

• 5 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
• 3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
• 2 5-ounce packages baby arugula
• 2 5-ounce packages soft goat cheese, broken into 1/2-inch pieces, chilled

Preparation

For caramelized onions:
Heat oil in heavy large skillet over medium-high heat. Add onions. Sauté until golden, about 18 minutes. Remove from heat. Sprinkle with vinegar; stir to blend. Season with salt and pepper.
For candied pecans:
Combine first 4 ingredients in another heavy large skillet. Bring to boil, whisking. Boil 1 minute. Add pecans; stir. Toss until syrup forms glaze on nuts, about 3 minutes. Transfer nuts to sheet of foil and quickly separate nuts with forks. Cool. DO AHEAD: Can be made 2 hours ahead. Let stand at room temperature.
For croutons:
Preheat oven to 350°F. Place bread cubes in large bowl. Drizzle with oil, tossing constantly to coat evenly. Scatter cubes in single layer on rimmed baking sheet. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Bake croutons until crisp, stirring occasionally, about 15 minutes. DO AHEAD: Can be made 2 hours ahead. Let stand on sheet at room temperature.
For salad:
Whisk oil and vinegar in small bowl. Season dressing with salt and pepper.
Place arugula in very large bowl. Drop in onions, tossing to distribute evenly. Add nuts, croutons, and goat cheese. Toss with enough dressing to coat lightly.

Girl Power At the Oscars!

The Zadge loves the Oscars. Not that she is a movie buff, mind you. No, The Zadge hasn't even seen a single movie nominated this year. Her Netflix movies sit around the house unused for months while The Zadge watches American Idol and reruns of Saving Grace.

No, The Zadge loves the Oscars for the stars and the fashion! Yes, she's that shallow!

So shall we recap the evening?

First, let's start with The Zadge's favorites:

• Dame Helen Mirren 
  
  
  You know she is my idol, so I may be a bit biased, but O...M...G, as the kids say these days!!  The woman is simply da bomb!!! And she has a spider tattoo on her hand! Helen, I love you.
  
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker
  
  The Dress is stunning - especially from the back.  I know there is this whole split on whether SJP is pretty or not, but The Zadge thinks she is phenomenal!
  
  
• Alec Baldwin - He's The Zadge's kind of guy. He just is.

• Demi Moore
  
  
  Look, I'm not a huge Demi fan, but for the love of gawd, the woman is 47 freakin' years old and looks better than most 22 year olds!
  

• Ryan Reynolds
  
  
  THANK YOU!

Shall we move on to the low points?

•  Our perennial favorite Hot Mess, Mariah:
  
  
  I mean, really, do I even need to add any commentary?
  
  
• Tina Fey
  
  
  Girl I love you, but the hairdo is straight out of 1953..and not in a good retro way.  And please, lose the black dresses!!  They just don't do you justice!
  
  
• The Cloonster picking at his cuticles during his super close up when he was being introduced for his Best Actor nomination.

• Molly Ringwald
  
  
  Holy bejesus - is she 7 feet tall or is Matthew Broderick a midget? Not so Pretty In Purple.
  
  
• Attention Jeff Bridges, Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas:
  
  
  
  
  Lose the hairy hot mess on your chin!  It looks like some awful, overgrown pubic area.

•  The crazy red head lady in the purple dress who interrupted the award speech for Best Documentary Short - my god woman, Who Are You and What is That Horrible Accent?!!

• Charlize Theron
  
  
  Honey, I know you just left Stewart Townsend, but did you also leave your fashion sense? Purple flower boobs?!

• Maggie Gyllenhall

The Zadge's Mexican Hotel room wants its curtains back

• Mrs. Cameron #5 (!!!) - someone please insert a feeding tube immediately!
  
  

And really, what sweet revenge for Cameron Wife #3 - Kathryn Bigelow, who not only eats 3 square meals a day and looks gorgeous at 58,  but is also the first woman to win an Oscar for Best Director.

Take THAT James Cameron.