Highlights of the Zadge's Thanksgiving

I could write an entire post about the utterly delusional nut job I almost killed had as a seat mate on my three hour flight from Denver to the east coast, but I don't really remember any of the specifics because I was forced to start drinking an hour into the flight because I just couldn't stand to hear her insane ramblings sober.  I do have a vague memory of telling her, "Uh, we don't really use that phrase much since that whole 9/11 thing," when she started screaming on our calm descent into the airport, "We're going down! We're going down!"

So instead, I thought I'd share the happier highlights of my Thanksgiving trip that don't involve homicidal thoughts and copious amounts of booze yoga breathing.

Highlight Number One:  Family Doggies

Meet the only girl in the family bigger than the Zadge:

Lucy, the youngest of the Sista's three dogs, is a Great Dane/Mastiff mix.  She just turned one and she is already taller than our 5'10 heroine (we know this because, upon the Zadge's entry into the Sista's house, little Lucy promptly stood on her hind legs and put her front paws on the Zadge's shoulders!)

And she even weighs more than the Zadge with her GMT! Lucy is the Zadge's newest BFF:


Then there was sweet, sweet BearBear, the Sista's "Shone:"


BearBear is 13 years old and like his cuz The Shone, is the sweet, regal, best-dog-on-the-planet-who-everyone-loves-type-of-dude who has escaped death about five times so far. The Zadge loved lying on top of him giving him huge hugs.

Then there was Peanut, the Sista's sweet female "Harry:"


But mon dieu, the breath on this 'nut! (The Fin, in his "elmo schoos," didn't seem to mind!)

Highlight Number Two:  The Zadge's Second Shooter



The Zadge's nephew has always had quite an eye and has assisted the Zadge at all of the family gatherings by running around taking pictures, proudly saying, "Got it" after every shot.  She gave him her point and shoot to help her document the day:

Highlight Number Three: Thanksgiving Dinner

Loved, loved being with my family:

Yeah, that's everyone other than my Second Shooter and the Sista's Man trying to avoid having their photo taken.  And Moomskers, per usual, cooked up a fantabuloso meal:

Highlight Number Four: the iPad

The Zadge has been totally grooving on her iPad since she got it a few months ago, but it was a big hit with the little people at Thanksgiving:

Highlight Number Five: Seeing all the nephews interact

Baby Fin just couldn't get enough of his silly 11-year old cousin:

and he loved providing the post-dinner entertainment with his 13-year old cousin:

Highlight Number Six: THE FIN!!!!

Do you like his holiday smoking jacket?


The patches come in handy for a guy who always has his elbows on a table playing with his cars/trucks/trains.

He thinks his aunt is just a riot.

And he can tell that she thinks he is the cutest thing she has ever seen.

The Fin practiced his "Hi, I'm a Ralph Lauren model" pose.

But Aunt Zadge, I'm not just a bunch of blond curly cuteness - I have a brain, you know.

I know you do, Baby Genius, but Baby Jesus of Bethlehem, you are the cutest little curly top the Zadge has ever seen!

Big Night out on the town with Little Big Town

The Zadge is a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll.  So is her buddy PugMama.  So we took the country in ourselves out last Saturday night to the Ogden Theatre in Denver to hear a little country music:

The opening act was some dude neither of us had ever heard of named Randy Montana:

But he had a great voice and sure was cute.  I think PugMama was officially "in crush."

Then came the main act, Little Big Town:

For those of you saying, "Yuck, country music!" -- you know who you are Babe the Builder and Little Bro -- I say, you've got to hear them.  This quartet rocks!  They are really more pop/rockabilly than country.  Despite PugMama's hesitation, the Zadge pulled her into the mosh pit.  The Zadge likes to be right in the action:

We were only a few feet away from the stage.  Of course, even if you were in the back you couldn't miss Kimberly's big blond 'do:  

The Baby Goosed Zadge had hair envy.  And short leather dress envy.  And ankle boot envy:

In fact, the Zadge had overall rockstar envy and tried to convince PugMama that they should ditch their day jobs and start a band.  PugMama was kind when she told the Zadge that they had absolutely no talent whatsoever and were middle-aged.

Sort of like these two wasted middle-agers who stood right in front of the Zadge's face in the mosh pit for most of the night tonsil-surfing:

The drunk chick, almost 50 years old and barely vertical, didn't even notice that the Zadge stuck her camera right in her messy-ass face and snapped away:

PugMama and I were taking bets on whether she would follow over or vomit first:

But even the drunken old people couldn't ruin our good time with Little Big Town.  I was even able to film the closing number, their #1 hit "Boondocks."  Enjoy!

Monday Musings

1. ses4wwwwwwwww23.
2. That's what happens when Harry lies on the couch next to you while you blog.
3. Well, that, and some really smelly things that I won't go into in case you are eating or don't have dogs, like those of us who do who are unfortunately nonplussed by the stanks that come with them.
4. The Zadge doesn't understand all the fuss about the new screening procedures at the airport.  I'm flying out tomorrow and I'm actually looking forward to it.  Hey, the intrusive pat down is going to be the most action I've had in awhile.
5. Is there anyone out there who can fold the bottom bed sheet in a neat square?  I bet even Martha Stewart can't do it.
6. The Zadge refuses to spend any of her time reading bad books.  But she has no problem putting down her Pulitzer Prize winning novel to watch a gripping hour of the train wreck that is "The Real Housewives" series.  Yeah, she's cultured that way. 
7. And by "her Pulitzer Prize winning novel," please don't be fooled into thinking the Zadge won the Pulitzer.   Although she did actually set a school record in sixth grade on Field Day for "Softball Throw for Distance."  How many Pulitzer winners can claim that?
8. Does anyone know of a 12-step program for women addicted to buying boots? 
9. Have you seen that new show "Blue Bloods" on CBS?  I want to set Moomksers up with Tom Selleck, who is only a couple of years younger.  They'd make a great couple and could double date with the Zadge and her boyfriend Daniel Craig. 
10. And speaking of Moomskers, aka "Mary" in real life, The Beatles "Let It Be" has always been one of my favorite songs of all time because of this line: "When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom."  How thankful am I to fly home to see my Mother Mary for Thanksgiving?!

Saturday Sayin's

Minimizing the Deadly Gelationous Muffin Top

Thanksgiving and Christmas are approaching and we all know what that means:  eating, drinking, more eating, office parties, cookies, nog, pies, drinking, and more eating.  And a lot more calories than usual, at least for those of you who are not gluttonous booze-hounds 365 days a year.

Ho, ho, ho, it's the Gelatinous Muffin Top's favorite time of year!

That's why the Zadge found this article in the Denver Post interesting - it describes how some people are using a home food delivery service to gear up for the holidays.  The company will deliver to your home every day three freshly cooked, low calorie, nutritionally-balanced, gourmet meals (and a snack), modeled after the "Zone Diet."  The article described how people were using the system for a few weeks before the holidays to give them "wiggle room" in their jeans during the holidays.  They also mentioned that busy professionals used the company to make sure they were eating healthy on little time.

The Zadge, of late, has been a very Cranky McCrankster busy professional, with little time to grocery shop or cook.  And she's been so cranky tired, that no one wants to go out to eat with her.  And she's been living in fear of her evil GMT raising its ugly head again during the holidays -- Moomskers is one damn good cook and the Zadge intends to dig into all of Moomskers' good Thanksgiving stuff next week!  So, she decided to fork over the $29 a day for delivery of healthy and GMT-fighting meals to her house for a week.

As promised, each morning, the Zadge would open her door to find that Zone Denver had left a hermetically sealed, chilled, black bag containing that day's meals.  Meals over the week included a lunch of Steak Fajita with Mixed Greens Salad and Bleu Cheese Dressing:

... and a dinner of Ground Turkey Bolognese with Whole Wheat Penne Pasta and fresh roasted vegetables:

and Pork Loin with Garlic and Herbs with Roasted Beets and Squash:

The meals came in these little plastic trays: 

... but the Pan Roasted Halibut with Fresh Herbs, Lemon and Dill and Steamed Vegetables seemed to taste much better when I put it on a plate.

Ok, so here's the thing.

The meals were tasty.  And for a busy professional Crank, they were super convenient and not really that expensive, when you consider that the Zadge's daily lunch from the organic salad joint near her office costs almost $10. They forced the Zadge to eat a much wider range of foods for dinner than the cheese and crackers she normally sports after a long day at the office.  Plus, the Zadge thinks she lost some weight but can't bear to put herself on a scale to confirm.

But -  Baby Jesus of Bethlehem  -- the portions were teeney-tiny-small.  I'm talking small like, see those plates above?  Those are salad plates not dinner plates.  I'm talking small like, put a deck of cards on top of those plates and you've got a poker game not a meal.  I'm talking small like, when I first opened the secret black bag I thought they sent only the snacks.  Count the penne in the pasta dish - I did - there were SEVEN FREAKIN' PENNES!!  That's three pennes short of a dime for godsake! 

After a week of the Zone Denver meals, the Zadge got her normal $10 salad at work today and was surprised to find that she could only finish about half of it before she was full.

So what's the conclusion here?

First, it's clear that the Zadge's normal portion size at a meal is apparently fit for a Sumo wrestler.  I guess that would explain the frequent appearance of the GMT.  That, or the nightly vodka tonics, also sized for a Sumo wrestler.

Second, by Day 5 of the Zone Diet, what with all that protein and fresh veggie thing going on, the Zadge really wasn't hungry at all and wasn't thinking about food at all.  Perhaps because she was too busy planning her own "Jet Blue Flight Attendant Exit" from the Top Secret Day Job.   Yeah, she seriously was.  Then she talked herself off the crazy Jet Blue ledge, and realized it probably was all hormonal.

Or maybe she was just f*&king hungry?

Bad Humour

The Zadge was planning on posting about her latest Gelatinous Muffin Top-fighting discovery, but she's too pissed off (cause: Top Secret Day Job), cranky (cause: Top Secret Day Job/possible perimenopausal symptom), annoyed (cause: enough with the Prince William/Kate engagement coverage for god's sake), exasperated (cause: Harry destroyed the Zadge's new fur scarf 5 minutes after she walked in the door tonight), and hungry to do so. 

So tonight, you get no real blog post and I get a real big Vodka Tonic.

Cheers.

Those old cows knew trouble was coming before we did.

Looking for a good book?  Read this:

Jeannette Walls, of "The Glass Castle" fame, tells the mildly-fictionalized story of her feisty, headstrong grandmother, Lily.  Lily is the Zadge's kind of gal!  This is "Little House on the Prairie" for us adults.

Trust me, you'll love it.

Saturday Sayin's

The Zadge got some cock today.

Now that I've gotten your attention, let's discuss the Zadge's day off, thanks to our wonderful veterans.  Did she spend it shopping, going to a movie or other such fun stuff?

No, she spent the day getting tortured by medical professionals.

Do you see this?

This looks like the two huge needles that were shoved into the Zadge's knees by her orthopedic surgeon this afternoon.  Except mine didn't have hundred dollar bills rolled up inside.  (Sorry, not a lot of scary syringe photos on the web!).  They were filled with this:

Yes, Rooster Comb, made into an injectable form called Synvisc.  It's designed to ease the pain of osteoarthritis in your knees, which results from the fact that you no longer have any cartilage left in your knees and your bones are rubbing on top of each other, which was caused by running every day for 30 years and being a completely compulsive over-exerciser, including many twice a day workouts.  Not that I'm singling anyone out in particular.  Do you think I'll wake up tomorrow morning and cry, "Cock-a-doodle-do!"

After that happy experience, the Zadge gingerly walked back to her car and had to perform a yoga move to get into it, since she couldn't bend one of her knees at all it was so swollen with cock.  Ahem.  She then drove to her next torture session, with her dermatologist.

See, the Zadge found this little, weird looking, fast growing growth on her chest last week.  No, it wasn't one of her breasts.  Of course, she had herself convinced that it was cancer.  Her family history is ripe with melanomas, and basal cells, and blond hair, and freckles, and wrinkles.  And the Zadge has lived a wild and crazy past in the sun.  Hours and hours spent in the sun without any sunscreen.  Swimming, tennis, softball, track and basketball as a kid.  Running, biking, swimming, golf, and tennis as an adult.  It was only a matter of time.

But the cancer turned out only to be something called an actinic keratosis, which sounds like I have bad breath, but really is just a "precancerous" growth.  But the doc said I should have it burned off so that it doesn't turn into the Big C.  So she burned me.  With a big smoking jug of really cold stuff.

So after all that torture, the Zadge, with her swollen rooster knees and her red scabby burned chest, is treating herself tonight to a nice relaxing dinner with Babe the Builder. 

But I think there is a lesson here: all that healthy exercise is really bad for you!

Monday Musings

1. The Zadge loves, loves listening to big, Baptist choirs and would love to join one.  Except she's not black, Baptist or able to carry a note. 
2. The Zadge misnamed Harry.  He should have been called "Marley."  Or "G.I. Joe" for his frequent gastrointestinal distress.
3. Long toenails utterly gross me out.
4. The Zadge's sister and mother refuse to download Skype, thereby depriving The Zadge of seeing her adorable nephews live. Please rally them on her behalf.
   

   

   PLEASE LET ME SEE MY BEAUTIFUL AUNT ON SKYPE!

5. First, Nancy Pelosi's startled, plastic-surgeried visage, now John "It's Bay-ner not Boner" Boehner's orange face.  The Speakers of the House are taking "ugly politics" to a new level.
6. Remember the Towel-Clad Comatose Puppy Canadian?  Ugh, I'm still suffering from PTSD.  Anyway, out of the blue, he "poked" me on Facebook yesterday.  And that is as close as he will ever get to poking me. 
7. The Zadge is addicted to Bravo's "The Real Plastic Housewives of Beverly Hills."  Yes, she is shallow.  But if anyone is considering getting a little nip or tuck done, just check out these waxy, bloated-face gals.  One of them literally gets blinded by her flapping lips when a strong wind blows. 
8. Edison Pena, one of the Chilean miners rescued just a few weeks ago from months spent in a hole two miles under the Earth, completed the freakin' New York Marathon yesterday:
   
   Baby Jesus of Bethlehem, can you say Inspirational?
9. Travel & Leisure just released their list of the top ten cities with the most and least attractive  people.  Denver was ranked #9 for the city with the most attractive people, while the Zadge's former hometown, Washington, D.C., was ranked #6 on the top ten cities of unattractive people.  The Zadge didn't realize how much better looking she got when she moved here two years ago!
10. And just to end on my favorite note, here's a photo of four-month old Baby Shone from 13 years ago:

Saturday Sayin's

Read this blog...

No, not mine. Well, wait, yes, please continue to read mine, but also check out this one because this chick is funny as sheeat.

And as a single chick with no (human) kids, I particularly chuckled at this post of hers.

Enjoy.

Stairway to Heaven?

I bet you thought the Zadge was done with all her construction projects, didn't you?  She's never done!

When the Zadge moved into Old Vicky exactly one year ago, this is what the stairs looked like:

Sorry for the blur. I can't hold the camera steady when I'm retching in the face of awful interior design.  The stairs, as well as the whole second floor, were covered in dirty, ugly wall-to-wall carpeting.  Which the Zadge promptly ripped out.  She had hardwood floors installed upstairs, but was at a loss about what to do with what was under the carpet on the stairs.

See, underneath was hardwood stairs.  Hardwood stairs that were falling apart:

They were bouncy, marred with paint stains, unsupported and had pulled away from the wall.  I mean, they are 114 years old after all.  Think how much we'll be leaning and falling apart when we hit 114.

I brought in a stair restoration specialist.  He said there was no solution except to rip them out and build a complete new set.  To the tune of $3700.

But then I met Babe the Builder and, genius that she is, Babe came up with a plan to salvage Old Vicky's steps.  She shored them up, added a "skirt" to the side to cover the gaps, and had her painters do their magic on them.  They finished yesterday:

Don't we love Babe?!

The Zadge decided to paint the banister a super glossy black and paint the risers and spindles glossy white.  (And to all of you cringing that I painted natural wood - you know who you are little brother -- you should know that it was customary in 1896 when Old Vicky was born to paint wood trim!)  I thought the shiny black would tie in nicely with the other black accents in an otherwise blue/green house.  Like the kitchen door and windows:

And all the black and white photos I have scattered around the house:

Then there's the black chandelier in the dining room:

But now I've reached a small design impasse.  My original plan was to put a nice runner down the middle of the stairs when they were done, maybe a sisal with black trim on either side.  But ever since I moved in a year ago, I have been able to enjoy a completely dog free upstairs because Harry was so freaked out by the freaky stairs that he has never gone up them after the first day we moved in!  And poor Shone hasn't been able to go up stairs for years now.

So, if I put in the runner, Harry will no longer be freaked out and will have free run of the upstairs, which is where I feed Tulip, which means Harry will eat all her food, and I will have dog hair in every inch of the house instead of just the first floor, and I will be sharing the bed.  And not with a man.

Although frankly, I kind of miss the dogs sharing the bed with me.  Damn, do I need to get a date soon or what?

So I've been contemplating another idea.  And I really like it, but I know lots will think it is silly.

I want to stencil black numbers up the middle of the stairs!  Kind of like this:

(Thanks to The Inspired Room for the photo.)

Here's another sample, although I'd use a more formal stencil:

(Thanks to Restyled Home for the photo.)

Here's the thing:  Old Vicky is sort of an elegant old girl.  Good bones, high ceilings.  And the numbers idea is sort of whimsical and informal.  But you know what?  The Zadge thinks that everything in life, including homes, needs a little humor in it to be really alive.

What do you think?